I n s o m n i a
by Yorik
Summary: The Sanzou ikkou are plagued by their pasts. Avoiding insomnia, therefore, is not an option. DISCONTINUED


**Insomnia**  
  
........................  
  
The thoughts of the Sanzo-ikkou when insomnia strikes.  
  
.........  
  
**Disclaimer**  
  
Gensoumaden Saiyuki and all its characters are property of whoever they belong to, and you can be assured that it's not me. However you must realize that I have screwed them up for the purposes of my story, so if things get a little OOC...well, that's life.  
  
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**Chapter one  
**  
:::  
  
It was raining. It always rained on that day; the day she died.  
  
_Drip...drip...  
_  
Gojiyo was yelling downstairs, and Goku was shouting for his breakfast, but he didn't hear them. He didn't hear anything. Nothing except her voice, her last words, pounding over and over again in his head.  
  
_"I'm sorry, Gono..."_  
  
Sanzo walked in, indifferent to the mess on the floor, and overriding, as usual. He kicked aside one of the many bottles the littered the ground.  
  
"You drinking, Hakkai?"  
  
No response.  
  
"You'd better clean yourself up. We're leaving in a few hours."  
  
The door slammed shut.  
  
What was that? A few...hours? No, he couldn't hear. He was on the ground, his head between his knees, staring at the cold, white wall. He could see her face. Could he touch her? His fingertips brushed over the hard surface. No, he couldn't. She was gone, just like his dreams. She was just another image, a memory in his head that refused to fade.  
  
"Kanna..."  
  
He could still remember what she said when they had first moved in together.  
  
_"You know, Gono, I've always wished that I could find someone to rely on. I'm so happy it's you..."_  
  
Life was so utterly ironic.  
  
Someone to rely on? Bullshit. All of it.  
  
It was his fault she was dead. If he had had the common sense to go home instead of waiting for that pesky little student of his to go home...she would be alive.  
  
He suddenly felt an incurable rage surge through his veins. He hated the world. He hated the world for being so happy. He hated the people, the animals, the plants- all of it. Never in his life had he felt so jealous of the simple pleasures that the elderly couple down at dinner were sharing; the little boy running in the rain outside, playing with his friends; the dead bug on his window...  
  
Yes, that was it. He wanted to die.  
  
It didn't matter that nothing in the world would change, or stop. He didn't want to suffer anymore. No more.  
  
The nightmares didn't exactly help him either.  
  
It was always the same scene, playing over and over again.  
  
Kanna raising that knife to her neck and then...  
  
**:: Blood ::**  
  
It was like the sky that night. His hands had done it. Only him. He had changed the fate of one thousand demons.  
  
**A rain of blood.**  
  
.....................................................................  
  
**:: Insomnia ::**  
  
He suffered from it regularly. The others never noticed, though. After all, he _was_ the almighty Genjo Sanzo, the highest ranked monk, the man closest to heaven. He was supposed to have attained a level of peaceful disregard and totter around, preaching of all things bright and beautiful. Note the key words. Supposed to. Sanzo wasn't a patient man, nor was he a good one. That made him all the more unworthy of his title. He smoked, he drank, he gambled, but in the end, he was always Sanzo.  
  
He lay on his back and stared at the barren wooden ceiling above his head. The fan swayed precariously to and fro, as if it were to drop at any moment and slice off his head.  
  
He ignored it.  
  
He always did. You couldn't expect better from some crappy little three- star shack in the middle of nowhere. He rolled onto his side. What was the time? He looked down at Goku unconsciously stuffing his pillow into his mouth and smirked. Gojiyo was all arms and legs, as the saying went, and Hakkai lay, smiling peacefully and femininely with Hakuryu curled beside him. He felt his lips curling into a snarl. How jealous could a man get? They may have been tormented by nightmares, but at least they were asleep! Sanzo snorted and returned to his original position.  
  
His mind drifted back to the days when he was in the care of his master, also the previous Sanzo. The other children used to tease him all the time. He hated it. Over and over again.  
  
_ "Koryu the river drifter!"_   
  
Sanzo couldn't see really see why they called him that. He hated the river. It was always there, the current was fast-flowing and vicious despite the droughts or floods. He had asked his master what was so brilliant about it. All it did was flow, right?  
  
...............  
  
_:: "This river, Koryu, supports the life of everything in this area. Us, the birds, the trees; everything."  
  
Koryu looked up.  
  
"...and it destroys us. There is never a pure side to any one thing, Koryu. You must remember that in life. If you are to trust someone or something, you must always be aware of that half that destroys. Do you understand?"  
  
"A-ah..."  
  
His master's gaze drifted away from the river and rested on Koryu's head. "What is it that troubles you?"  
  
Koryu mumbled something beneath his breath.  
  
Sanzo chuckled. "Ah, Koryu the river drifter, hm?"  
  
"I don't like it when they call me that."  
  
Koryu, expecting some sort of soulful answer was slightly surprised at his master's reply.  
  
"Don't let it upset you. Children are like that, sometimes."   
  
_.........  
  
Sanzo sat up and groped along the little table beside his bed. Cigarettes. He needed them. Immediately. Thinking of his master always put him in a bad mood. He smirked. The three on the floor were lucky to be asleep. If they weren't Sanzo would have been tempted to wring each of their necks and shoot them in the head.  
  
He had always wanted to be like his master. Perhaps that was why he accepted the title of Sanzo. His cool temperament and relaxed outlook on life was all the teaching that Genjo Sanzo ever needed.  
  
............

_"Master, the rest of the monks are inside reciting the scriptures. Aren't you supposed to be in there too?"  
  
Sanzo, who was sitting at the upraised edge of one of the temples turned and smiled kindly, a saucer of sake in his hand. "That is not important," he said. "Come Koryu, sit with me."  
  
Koryu sat.  
  
"Freedom. It's such a precious thing, don't you think?"  
  
Koryu looked up inquiringly.  
  
"What is freedom?" he continued. "Many say that they'd like to be as free as the birds in the sky." He shifted his weight slightly. "But when you think about it, the birds are no more than you or I. Their lives are governed by their instincts of searching for a new home. So perhaps we can say, Koryu, that being free is having is the freedom to return home." He looked down at his apprentice and smiled. "What do you think?"  
  
_  
  
...............  
  
His master was his role model. He was the only man Sanzo had any respect for. It didn't help him much that cold, rainy, November night when the demons arrived. Sanzo had just been informed that he had been chosen to carry the title of 'Sanzo'.  
  
He didn't know what happened for those few moments. It was just a blur in his mind, an insignificant smudge in his memory. No, it wasn't insignificant. It never was.  
  
When the monks arrived, he just stood there, tears running down his cheeks.  
  
_"I couldn't stop them."_   
  
If he had done something then perhaps he would have still been alive. But now he would never know. His master was gone, never to return.  
  
**:: And it was all his fault ::**  
  
............................................................................ ............................................................................ .............................................................  
  
**::Red::  
**  
That was the color he despised the most. He was surrounded by it, though. Whenever he saw himself in the mirror, he cringed. Red hair, red eyes...  
  
**::A Taboo::**  
  
Shunned by society and expelled from the world as people knew it. He sat back in his seat and snuck a few glances at his companions. There was Goku, the monkey-boy with a stomach for a brain, there was the corrupt monk, and then there was..._Hakkai.  
_  
He chewed on his lower lip thoughtfully. Hakkai. Before he met him he had no real purpose in life. It was Hakkai who had brought him back to reality.  
  
_"Your hair and eyes...they're like admonitions to me, Gojiyo."_  
  
He sighed and tried to make himself comfortable. Despite Hakkai being his best friend, he was _not_ going to shut up about his driving. He considered the option, but then decided that it was too hot to argue. Even the monkey was dozing.  
  
They were driving by a field of red flowers. Gojiyo scowled. Red. Just like the flowers he had given her. Red, like blood.  
  
......................................................   
  
_"Here, 'Kaasan, I brought you some flowers!"  
  
She turned and looked at him with sad eyes. He hated her for that. She was always sad. Especially when he was around.  
  
"Gojiyo..."  
  
He held them up to her, smiling. "See?"  
  
She struck at him in anger. "You...it's all your fault!"  
  
"kaasan! Stop it!"  
  
The flowers were shredded by her flailing limbs, and were soon nothing but a mess on the floor. She started crying.  
  
"Such shame...why can't you be like your brother?"  
  
"kaasan!"  
  
She lashed out and struck his face, forming two deep cuts. Gojiyo fell to the floor, his eyes wide with fear. Only love prevented him from fighting back. Only love.  
  
Then, she collapsed. Gojiyo looked up into the sad, crying eyes of his brother. In his hand was some sort of object, but Gojiyo wasn't sure as to what it was. No, the only things he saw were his mother, his brother, and a carpet of scattered, red petals.  
  
He looked back down at his mother again, and then into the eyes of his brother.  
  
**::She was dead::**  
_  
:: .......................................  
  
Gojiyo shook his head. No, it wasn't healthy to remember things like that. Certainly not at that moment, anyway. Hakkai started to hum under his breath. Gojiyo grinned. Ah, Hakkai. Always cheerful, yet full of surprises.  
  
His thoughts drifted back to the day he first met him. Alone in the woods, he had collapsed at his feet. Gojiyo then took him home, and nursed him. After that, people began to think he was gay, but he didn't mind.  
  
He had finally found someone like him. Someone who was running from the truth, and hiding from the past.  
  
Goku began to stir.  
  
"Hey Sanzo! I'm hungry!"  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Sanzo..."  
  
"Maa, maa," Hakkai interjected. "We'll be reaching a village in an hour or so. Wait till then, Goku."  
  
Goku, with one last wail of despair, fell silent.  
  
Hakkai always had that calming effect on people. Gojiyo couldn't explain it, but it had always been like that. Ever since that fateful day where they had all decided to go on a picnic, Hakkai had been the peace keeper.  
  
Gojiyo smirked.  
  
It didn't look as if the picnic was ending any time soon.  
  
He sank back in his place and watched sun going down. He began to count the flowers.  
  
_"One...two...three...four...five..."_  
  
He didn't know why he was as cursed as he was. He smirked.  
  
_'Probably did a load of shit in a past life,'_ he thought.  
  
Red, red, and more red. Sanzo's words echoed in his mind, refusing to relent.  
  
_"Blood isn't the only thing that's red, you know"  
_  
Goku...  
  
_"I thought your hair would be hot, like a flame..."  
_  
Hakkai...  
  
_"They remind me of my blood-stained hands..."  
_  
Gojiyo tried to put all thoughts out of his head and settled on arriving at the next village without looking like a nervous wreck. He turned towards the west, and watched the sunset.  
  
**::The sky was red::**  
  
............................................................................ ............................................................................ .........................  
  
He was in one of his very rare, contemplative moods.  
  
They were all camping beside a river that night. Hakkai and Sanzo occupied the two front seats, whilst he and Gojiyo bunked behind them. Gojiyo was sprawled out over the top, tossing angrily in his sleep. His voice pierced the silence more than once.  
  
"No, stop it..."  
  
It was barely above a whisper, but Goku heard it. What was he dreaming of? Hakkai had told him once that Gojiyo hadn't had a very nice time growing up, but that was where it stopped.  
  
He sighed. No one ever really told him anything.  
  
His eyes drifted towards the sleeping figure of Sanzo, and his mouth twisted itself into a little smile. Where would he be now, without Sanzo? Still chained to that rock, still alone...  
  
He had hated life then. There was nothing there. Nothing except him and the desert. Even that little bird he had befriended had fallen prey to the evil clutches of nature. Alone. All his life, he had been alone. No one had cared, and nobody really ever would. He looked up at his comrades. They were all asleep, and at peace. Unlike him. They all knew they had been loved at least once in their lives. They knew what it felt like to be truly appreciated.  
  
Then there was Sanzo. He was Goku's role model, the only one to receive utter respect and devout loyalty. Even if it meant death, Goku would follow him to the ends of the earth.  
  
Goku recalled the day they first met.  
  
.........   
  
_"Who are you? Stop calling me. It's annoying."  
  
He looked up.  
  
"I wasn't..."  
  
Sanzo stretched out his hand, and all of a sudden, all his bindings vanished. Goku was free.  
  
::"Come."::  
  
**And Goku went.**  
  
::  
_  
............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................  
  
Hmnn.....one of my more angsty and contemplative fics; also my first attempt at Saiyuki. The impact of this first chapter greatly depends on the stress I put all over the place, but I can't seem to figure out how to load it in HTML format. forgive me, I'm technologically immature  
  
I was going to make this chapter longer, but decided against it. I'll continue it as the reviews come in. It was inspired by the book, 'Sophie's world'- a bit screwed up yet entertaining read.  
  
Anyway, if you find any grammatical and/or spelling errors please inform me and I'll do my best to reload the fic whenever I can. Sorry it's a bit short too, but I'm in the middle of my mock exams. Then, insert dramatic theme of your choice come my O levels!!!  
  
Right, so give it a shot.  
  
Yours, Pu


End file.
